In the Comments section Junior and Ermine have engaged in a discussion about their take on marriage. I was struck about how some parts of the discussion, focused on the belief that one should sow their wild oats, before making a commitment to your one true love. I wonder for myself if that really holds water. I think not.
Yes, you can sow your wild oats. But, some new oats start to sprout up. The idea that one is finally, and truly ready for a long-term committed relationship, is really asking A LOT of an evolving human being. Wouldn't it be realistic to focus on giving to that other your love and, leaving room for that love to express itself in new ways.
As many of you know, Marcos and I just made 18 years together in May. During this time we had separated for 3 years and rekindled our partnered life in 2005. What has always remained a constant is that we are family. The love, commitment and support we have for each other never ended. The feelings and energy of love we share for each other evolves, because it has to. We decided to leave room for the new oats.
Why you may ask do we leave room for the sprouting. Well, we are by no means the same exact people we were 18 years ago. Sounds cliche? No, think about it. Think about how your experiences and the people that come in and out of your life, bring out an awareness within you that changes some of the deepest parts of you. These changes come with being human. Yes, of course there are elements of your essence that are tethered to your soul, and may never change. But, you do change over the years.
This flux that comes with being a human, challenges the life one creates when they are partnered with someone. The permanence of personal change can create, within a relationship; moments of excitement, creativity and new connections. I love when we find something new about each other. The flip side is that it can also create moments of insecurity, confusion, and fear. I hate when I doubt that he will still love me tomorrow. We work at not going to battlestations when things don't go according to plan. What we go back to is what we mean to each other and how that commitment is our blessing.
Marcos and I found beauty during a very ugly time. We met in 1990. During this time many of our friends and acquaintances were dying from AIDS related illnesses. It seemed like the world was eding. We found each other in this madness, and put a lot of the bullshit aside and decided to try and create a life that looked to a future. How dare we!
I'm happy to say we are still pretty fearless. We've agreed to question certain social constructions about relationships, and are rebuilding on our own terms. We also challenge social policies that place us in a second class status, both legally and culturally. We are going for our own individual dreams and telling each other "Get yours papito, you know I got your back."
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