Aug 7, 2008

Thoughts About My "Partnered" Life

I've been enjoying the going-ons over at Juice With Junior. Junior poked a little fun at the folks getting married tomorrow because the date will be 8/8/08. People love gimmicky things, even when it comes to so-called sacred moments. I was raised catholic. I have proof. Moving on.

In the Comments section Junior and Ermine have engaged in a discussion about their take on marriage. I was struck about how some parts of the discussion, focused on the belief that one should sow their wild oats, before making a commitment to your one true love. I wonder for myself if that really holds water. I think not.

Yes, you can sow your wild oats. But, some new oats start to sprout up. The idea that one is finally, and truly ready for a long-term committed relationship, is really asking A LOT of an evolving human being. Wouldn't it be realistic to focus on giving to that other your love and, leaving room for that love to express itself in new ways.

As many of you know, Marcos and I just made 18 years together in May. During this time we had separated for 3 years and rekindled our partnered life in 2005. What has always remained a constant is that we are family. The love, commitment and support we have for each other never ended. The feelings and energy of love we share for each other evolves, because it has to. We decided to leave room for the new oats.

Why you may ask do we leave room for the sprouting. Well, we are by no means the same exact people we were 18 years ago. Sounds cliche? No, think about it. Think about how your experiences and the people that come in and out of your life, bring out an awareness within you that changes some of the deepest parts of you. These changes come with being human. Yes, of course there are elements of your essence that are tethered to your soul, and may never change. But, you do change over the years.

This flux that comes with being a human, challenges the life one creates when they are partnered with someone. The permanence of personal change can create, within a relationship; moments of excitement, creativity and new connections. I love when we find something new about each other. The flip side is that it can also create moments of insecurity, confusion, and fear. I hate when I doubt that he will still love me tomorrow. We work at not going to battlestations when things don't go according to plan. What we go back to is what we mean to each other and how that commitment is our blessing.

Marcos and I found beauty during a very ugly time. We met in 1990. During this time many of our friends and acquaintances were dying from AIDS related illnesses. It seemed like the world was eding. We found each other in this madness, and put a lot of the bullshit aside and decided to try and create a life that looked to a future. How dare we!

I'm happy to say we are still pretty fearless. We've agreed to question certain social constructions about relationships, and are rebuilding on our own terms. We also challenge social policies that place us in a second class status, both legally and culturally. We are going for our own individual dreams and telling each other "Get yours papito, you know I got your back."

A Classic Video Moment


Anonymous said...

I am seriously on the verge of tears here! You and Marcos are SO CUTE! It hurts! Oh! But I did want to explain myself a little...

See, recently I've "lost" several friends to the "marriage." The stages are always the same. The calls slow down. The excuses for why they can't go out increase and then after the wedding I never hear from them again.

I asked a former friend about this and he was clear that because I am single and he is married (now), we have nothing in common anymore as he is in a "different stage of life." WTF! Of course if you find love, that's great and you shouldn't break up for anyone but I feel like when some people get married (I live in the burbs which makes it worse) it's as if they've lost a part of themselves that I was friends with.

When I talk about having fun before marriage, it's not only sex (although that's a part of it) but also just experiencing life as an individual. It may be why I can be friends with older married people or LT couples because they've had a chance to develop themselves in addition to their relationships.

Young people I'm around haven't had that time which may explain my recent problems... I hope this wasn't too long! Love you two even more than before!

Kitty said...

My definition of a committed relationship leans more towards yours than the "mainstream" so I can understand what you're saying. Congrats to you and Marcos on 18 years. I eventually lost touch with the few female friends I had who got married & mothered. I got tired of them only calling when they wanted a "girl's night out" at the club but otherwise not hearing from them. I took that to mean that we probably were more "hanging-out" friends than actual friends who would stay in touch no matter how different our life paths. I tended to never have situations like that with my "gays", but then I'm a female so the situation is a bit different.

Joie Mayfield said...

You two are very cute together. Me and my man are going to be together 6 months on August 17th. The video was super-cute!

I'm adding your link to my blog.


Wonder Man said...

That's cute!

Anonymous said...

God! I miss you guys so much! I hope you guys receive all the blessings you deserve because you guys are great! Please Allan, tell my uncle that I miss him and love him. I am sending you guys a hug right now! [Heidy gets up and squeezes the computer screen.] There we go. lol!